AQUARIUS
For the next two weeks every day will have a Scooby Doo ending.
Unlucky internet search: Golden shower

PISCES
When all is said and done, when all the races have been run, when all the battles have been won, you were right, it was the butler. Your wibbly sideways walk scares people. So dont go speaking to others.
Unlucky lego brick: Yellow

ARIES
While driving through the city, you will get stuck in traffic that starts to move only when the light turns green again.
Unlucky prison sentence: 18months out in 4 because of overcrowding

TAURUS
You will spend another day putting off the inevitable.
Lucky feminist: miss piggy

Georgie Hill and Henry Lee

GEMINI
I see a tall dark stranger in your future.... he carries a knife.... and leaves with your wallet and your mobile phone.....
Lucky screwdriver: yellow handled

CANCER
You met your soulmate WHERE? In an America Online CHATROOM? Ah, hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!
Lucky singer: Paul Holmes

LEO
Cosmetic surgery will go wrong and you will come out looking like Margeret Thatcher.
Unlucky racist: Winsten Peters

VIRGO
Today you will be caught masturbating by your mother.
Lucky City: Hamilton

LIBRA
Today is your lucky day! You will discover your true parents! Congratulations, you are the offspring of Michael Jackson and the artist formerly known as "Prince"
Lucky continent: incontinent

SCORPIO
You will become the next major of Whangarei. Lucky fish: halibut. Lucky tyres: Spare
Unlucky diplomat: Pamela Anderson

SAGITTARIUS
Due to an error in the supermarket, your breakfast contained heroin, to which you are now addicted.
Lucky tampon: Tampax Ultra

CAPRICORN
Your day will be spoiled by a mysterious rain of fish.
Lucky redneck: Dolly Parton